I want to date

• Sheldon Cooper
• Eminem
• Elliot Stabler

Seriously.  Not like they are "famous people" crushes or anything.  I would love to date their characters in real life.  Except Eminem...he's real.  I feel like we have a connection.  Ok, so since the other 2 are actual characters and not real people, I guess they are just infatuations.  But hey, I have a hard differentiating reality from well, whatever the opposite of reality is.  Fantasy just doesn't seem to cut it.  So, basically this makes no sense whatsoever.  I'm so glad I'm the only one that "reads" this blog. #oxymoron

Simple Plan. Yeah, ok. Soooo, simple.

Do you ever feel like breaking down? (everyday)
Do you ever feel out of place? (all the time)
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you (with every move I don't make)

Do you ever wanna run away? (no because wherever I go, the problem (ME) is still there)
Do you lock yourself in your room? (yeap-won't even open my curtains)
With the radio on, turned up so loud (I'd rather listen to the deafening silence)
That no one hears you screaming (I bite hand so I don't even hear me screaming)

No you don't know what it's like (Sylvia Plath and Elizabeth Wurtzel know)
When nothing feels alright
You don't know what it's like, to be like me

To be hurt, to feel lost, to be left out in the dark (I don't know anything different)
To be kicked, when you're down (I avoid the world in order to avoid more pain)
To feel like you've been pushed around (I'm my own worst enemy)

To be on the edge of breaking down (everyday)
When no one's there to save you (therapists, psychiatrists, rehab, what's left?)
No you don't know what it's like (I'm glad you don't)
Welcome to my life (it fucking sucks and I don't know why)

Do you wanna be somebody else? (no, I just don't want to exist)
Are you sick of feeling so left out? (how can you feel left out when you never knew what it felt like to fit in?)
Are you desperate to find something more (something more? I can't even deal with this)
Before your life is over? (isn't it already? I'm just going through the motions)

Are you stuck inside a world you hate? (yeah, it's called my fucked up head)
Are you sick of everyone around? (social anxiety at it's max)
With the big fake smiles and stupid lies (gave up on the fake smiles and lies a long time ago)
Well deep inside you're bleeding (on the outside too, when you bite hard enough or burn deep enough)

No you don't know what it's like (Sylvia Plath and Elizabeth Wurtzel know)
When nothing feels alright
You don't know what it's like to be like me

To be hurt, to feel lost, to be left out in the dark (it's my constant emotional state)
To be kicked, when you're down (I avoid the world in order to avoid more pain)
To feel like you've been pushed around (I'm my own worst enemy)

To be on the edge of breaking down (everyday)
When no one's there to save you (therapists, psychiatrists, rehab, what's left?)
No you don't know what it's like (I'm glad you don't)
Welcome to my life (it fucking sucks and I don't know why)

No one ever lies straight to your face (oh yes they fucking do)
And no one ever stabbed you in the back (well, not literally, yet)
You might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be okay

Everybody always gave you what you wanted (gave em what they wanted)
You never had to work it was always there (fuckers)
You don't know what it's like, what it's like

To be hurt, to feel lost, to be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around

To be on the edge of breaking down
When no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like

you gotta be

If I ever date again, which, come on, let's be real, track record hasn't been that great, these qualities must be met.  Hell, maybe if I'd have adhered to them, I would've dated more than a cumulative 22 months out of the past 7 years (84 months).  Go ahead, do the math.  Fine, slack ass, I'll do it for you: over the past 7 years, I've spent approximately 74% of it single.  And you know what, it suits me a lot better that way.


But, IF, I even decide to date again these are the criteria that have to be met and no, it's not up for debate:

1. At least 6' feet
2. No red hair
3. Compatible in horoscope world
4. 30-35
5. No dogs
6. Good grammar
7. No kids
8. Never married
9. Country fried
10. Gets along well w family
11. Will consider kids
12. Has at least a 4 yr degree
13. Cuddle me up
14. No ugly feet
15. Well kept fingernails
16.  Extremely sarcastic
17. Clean
18. Is not in a ridiculous amount of debt
19. No Cubs fans
20. No mental illness in family history
21. No drinker/not a huge drinker
22. Respects my bubble
23. emotionally available
24. Let's me call the shots
25. Stable job history
26. Potential to make money
27. Likes sports
28. No Duke fans

I doubt it

#8

….sometimes….

Not now, but in the coming years,

it may be in the Better Land,

we’ll read the meaning of our tears,

and there, sometime, we’ll understand.


We’ll catch the broken threads again,

and finish what we here began.

Heaven will the mysteries explain,

and then, ah then, we’ll understand.


We’ll know why clouds instead of sun

were over many a cherished plan.

Why sun has ceased, when scarce begun;

tis there, sometime, we’ll understand.


God knows the way, He holds the key.

He guides us with an eager hand,

sometime with tearless eyes we’ll see –

yes, there, up there we’ll understand.


The trust in God through all thy days,

fear not, for he doth hold thy hand.

Though dark the way, still sing and praise.

Sometime, sometime, we’ll understand.





PS: I wrote you those nice poems only because the honest ones would frighten you.

familiar ground

#7

-Inertia-

The world is full of cripples

and endless nights

and broken fruit

and calls that never come through

and restless dreams

that fear being awake

and stars that lose themselves

and waves that are always leaving

and bitten mouths

and lonely bars

and rosy nipples

rosy as dawn

rosy as the first blush of youth

and tired people

and lonely hearts

opening, orbiting

crashing into open mouths

and hungry eyes

and empty-handed lovers;

the inertia of loneliness

a miserable force

metaphysics

"a keen observation shows that the whole universe is a single mechanism working by the The Law of Rhythm"

*u n i v e r s e*:

the harmony and interaction of every individual entity

which culminates as reality, ultimate understanding, and

synergy to the highest power

atonement

#6

Lost

is a puzzle

of stars

that breaths

like water

and chews

like stone.

Alone

is a reminder

of how far

acceptance

is from

understanding.

Fear

is a bird

that believes itself

into extinction.

Desperation

is the honest

recognition

of a false truth.

Hope

is seeing

who you

will become

at your highest.

Grace

is the refinement

of a soul

through time.

dissociative

#5

Do not stand at my grave and weep –

I am not there and I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow;

I am the diamond glints on snow;

I am the sunlight on ripened grain;

I am the gentle autumn rain;

When you awaken in the mornings blush –

I am the swift uplifting rush

of quiet birds in circled flight;

I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry –

I am not there; I did not die.

nuff said

treasure hunt

#4

-I do not love you-

I do not love you as if you were the salt-rose topaz

or arrow of carnations that propagate fire;

I love you as certain dark things are loved.

Secretly, between the shadow and the soul

I love you as the plant that doesn’t bloom and carries

Hidden within itself the light of those flowers.

And thanks to your love, darkly in my body,

Lives the dense fragrance that rises from the earth.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or where.

I love you because I know no other than this.

But this, in which there is no I or you,

So close that your hand on my chest, is my hand.

So close that when you close your eyes, I fall asleep.

punching an optimist in the face

#3

When things go wrong as they sometimes will;

When the road you’re traveling seems all uphill;

When the funds are low an the debts are high;

When all is pressing you down a bit –

Rest if you must, but don’t you quit.

Success is failure turned inside out;

The silver tint are clouds of doubt;

You can never tell how close you are –

It may be near when it seems afar.

So, stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit - -

It’s when things go wrong that you mustn’t quit.

twilight

#2

Sail with me upon an emerald-green sea,

to a far away land of deepest fantasy.

Walk with me in the soft moonlight,

dance with me, holding each other tight.

As lovers’ comets dash cross the ebony sky,

watch them with me, while with love we fly~

far beyond the infinite glowing universe

to a place where our hearts sweetly converse.

Lost in time, and in each others gaze…

love enthralls our souls and our heads amazed.

With but the touch of our lips locked in a lovers’ kiss,

we realize that love’s call, we could not resist.

So, dance this dance of life and love we now share,

for together we’ll grow old, but our love will stay fair.

And in the twilight of our lives’ ages past…

Our hearts will stay new, for we’ve found love to last.

when sentences just don't cut it

As words come together, bringing to life deep feelings, passions, and desires, they paint still pictures of the moments of love and other bittersweet ironies of our day to day. Your minds and hearts are my canvas, the written word my brush, and this is my art.

Some people react physically to the magic of poetry, to the moments, that is, of authentic revelation, of the communication, the sharing, at its highest level….A good poem is a contribution to reality. The world is never the same once a good poem has been added to it. It helps to change the shape and significance of the universe and helps to extend everyone’s knowledge of himself and the world around him.

Poetry is the most honest and immediate art form that I have found; it is raw and unfiltered. It is a vital and creative expression and deserves to find greater forums to be more highly valued, understood, and utilized in our culture and in our lives. There is such wonderful poetry in the world that wants to be given a voice. My hope is to help inspire an appreciation and expression of that voice.

My art, my voice, my cluttered soul…

#1

~Dawn~

An angel, robbed in spotless white,

Bent down and kissed the sleeping Night.

Night woke to blush; the spirit was gone.

Men saw the blush and called it Dawn.

2011: A trip outside my comfort zone

• I will be more spiritual on a daily basis.
• I will buy less: less name brands, less quantity, less in general.
• I will have more love and compassion towards others.
• I will try everyday to do something to make someone else smile.
• I will accept 100% that I'm choosing love over NYC.
• I will be more positive.
• I will me more open to the idea of potential marriage and children.
• I will think more of the simple life.
• I will be right sized.
• I'm going to live in love.

forever a pessimist

We sometimes do things that are permanently foolish just because we are temporarily upset.  "A lot of heartache can be avoided if you learn to control your emotions." ~said no one ever.

Everyone makes mistakes.  If you can't forgive others, don't expect others to forgive you.  To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that prisoner was you.

No matter how many mistakes you make or how slow you progress, you are still way ahead of everyone who isn't trying.  The mindset of your past being indicative of your further is a trap, but the truth is your reality can be whatever you want it to be.  The limits to what you can acheive are an illusion.